Lil’ Paul has been keeping odd hours the last week or so…except for tonight. Tonight he was passed out on my shoulder at 6:00, which means he should be up by 4:30 in the morning. Other than tonight he has been staying up late, wanting to sit in my lap and watch the Olympics…well, he just asks to watch TV, the Olympics happen to be on. He has been waking by 5:00am.

Folks, that’s early for a two year old to rise and shine.

There are nights when I just want him to go to bed because I have a list of things that I need to get done before I fall out from sheer exhaustion. There are many mornings when I groan because he has awoken before the sun yet again. The mornings are when I wake and have my time that is just mine. It’s when I seek out Jesus, when I can be still and quiet with him.

However, in the midst of the desires to have some alone time or even productive time, I have to remind myself that I will not get this time back.

Yesterday morning, as I was holding Lil’ Paul who had beckoned me from a deep slumber by the cries of “Momma, hold you” at 5:13 AM, I couldn’t help but think of all the things that he does now that he will not let me do or do himself when he is…oh, say 13.

When Lil’ Paul is 13 he won’t cuddle up with me in the morning, sipping on his milk, slowly rendering me bald as he plays with my hair.

When he is 13 he won’t give me sweet little kisses on each side of my cheek. He also probably won’t try to lick my face, which will be a plus to his growing older.

When he is 13 he won’t want me to sing him to sleep and sing along to “Edelwiess”, “It is Well With My Soul”, “Jesus Loves Me” and “Oh How He Loves Us”.

When he is 13 the won’t tackle me with the hugeness of his hugs. This is one I hope doesn’t change.  Hugs are my favorite.

When he is 13 he won’t bury his little face in my shoulder as he snuggles when he is tired.

When he is 13 he won’t run to door when he sees me come in from the hour I was away from him.

When he is 13 he won’t make silly faces, sending Gingernut and myself reeling with laughter.

When he is 13 he won’t fall asleep in my arms, giving me that sweet moment to look in to his face, give him a dozen soft kisses and dream about how God will use him.

When he is 13 he won’t reach up to take my hand in his, and if he does that hand won’t be so little anymore.

When he is 13 I imagine I will still see that sweet little boy who played with my hair as he drank his milk in the early morning hours.

So tomorrow, and in the days that follow, I’ll cherish it all…even the hair pulling moments.

The kids are at a The Fierce Beagle‘s house this morning. We switch up watching each other’s kids so the other one can have a little break. Best idea she’s had. 

When I got back home from dropping off the kids I put on iTunes radio. While going about picking up the house a song came on that made me stop in the middle of my dining room. I stopped, listened, and entered into worship of my King. Just me and Him, with me crying out within my heart as the words sang out around me. 

Below is the link to hear the song and the lyrics. 

The Song “Keep Making Me”

Keep Making Me – by Sidewalk Prophets 

Make me broken
So I can be healed
‘Cause I’m so calloused
And now I can’t feel
I want to run to You
With heart wide open
Make me broken

Make me empty
So I can be filled
‘Cause I’m still holding
Onto my will
And I’m completed 
When You are with me 
Make me empty

Chorus
‘Til You are my one desire
‘Til You are my one true love
‘Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making me

Make me lonely
So I can be Yours
‘Til I want no one
More than You, Lord
‘Cause in the darkness
I know You will hold me
Make me lonely

Do you make to-do lists?

I live by them, whether they are written down or just in my head. I really like writing them down though because then I get to mark through them when the task is done. This gives me a sense of accomplishment. It’s amazing what drawing a line through “iron clothes” can do for my psyche.

When I don’t write my to-do list down, I am usually a little less accomplished. The following is an example of what will happen.

I’ll go to the kitchen to start breakfast. I realize not all the dishes were washed the night before so I will wash up first. Then I will see the toys scattered around the kitchen floor and put those away. The kids will begin complaining they are hungry and I will remember about breakfast. After breakfast I will begin clearing the table, only to be told by Gingernut that she needs help in the bathroom. I go help her out and after we’re all done figure I might as well get the kids dressed and ready for the day while they are in their rooms and in close proximity to the bathroom. Thirty minutes later I will remember the dishes from breakfast need putting in the dishwasher. On my way back to the kitchen I will want to brush my teeth really quick and have a bathroom break because I haven’t had one since 5:00 A.M. and well, my bladder is about to explode. Then, I will finally make it to the kitchen to clean up only to be bothered by the cat who feels as though I did not give him enough food that morning and should top his bowl off. I will spill cat food on the floor, which I will begin to clean up. I will look around the rest of the floor – specifically that section under the table. Realizing that it looks like we ate on the floor instead of the table that morning I will sweep up that mess. I’ll see the candle on the table and think about how I should light it to make the house smell nice. On the way to get the lighter I will notice the how nasty the rug is and go vacuum it. I will remember the dishes in the sink and go BACK to the kitchen to clean up but by this time it is snack time so I have to stop to get the kids food. At some point I will light the candle.

It’s only 10:00 people. That’s 10:00 A.M.

And so my day goes if I haven’t written things down.

But whether my tasks for the day are written down or in my head, my days can fill up with the busyness that days fill up with. It’s not bad things. The kitchen has to be cleaned. We have to eat. We all need clean underwear…except Lil’ Paul who is in the process of transitioning to underwear. So now, I also add to my list of things to do cleaning up pee from the floor.

Six months ago I would let that busyness keep me from stopping and being at rest in order to have some time that is just for me and Jesus. The dirty laundry would tease me that it was now piled taller than me. The toys scattered on the floor would laugh at my attempt to keep them in the place. The soap scum in the bathtub would sneer at me as it built up thicker than the six inches of snow we are about to get tomorrow.

But thanks to some convicting of the Holy Spirit and wonderful words written by friends I began to ignore the teasing, laughing and sneering of the things in my home that needed doing and to be still for a bit with the Lord. My heart began to change and it soon required little effort to not do everything that needed doing before I sat with Him. I began to not just need Him, but to long for Him, to come to Him with anticipation of what He would show me that day.

However, I have failed to ignore all the callings of the to-do list to spend more time playing with my children. It’s not that I don’t want to play with them. I just know how much needs to be done and the kids end up taking a back seat so very often. What I need to realize though is they need me to play with them. They need me to read a book to them. They need me to eat a snack with them. They need me to teach them.

I’m not saying that I ignore them. Quite the opposite, they get 95% or more of my attention. But what kind of attention am I giving them? This is the question that I am pondering and doing battle with. Instead of having a mom who was in the kitchen all the time, I would rather Gingernut and Lil’ Paul have a mom who let them help bake cookies with her in that kitchen. I don’t want to give them what is left over of me at the end of the day. I want them to have the best of me. I think when I do that consistently it will become easier to not fold the clothes so I can play Candyland, to not clean the kitchen for the fifth time that day to put together a puzzle.

And I will begin to look forward to doing those things with anticipation.

MacKenzie

A few weeks ago I wrote about yelling and how I am trying to kick yelling out the door of our home. Let’s add to that sassy pants, attitude, and grunting. Bear with me folks, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.

Tonight, I want to share a side effect of being more intentional with how I speak and interact with my children.  By being kinder to my children, I am becoming kinder to my husband. Shut the front door!

And you know what else? We spend more time together…more time talking, laughing, joking around, talking about Godly things, and the general hanging out. It’s been unbelievable. He wants to spend time with me!

Why has this side effect occurred?

I have a theory, which stems from the wisdom of God.

“Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad.” Proverbs 12:25
As I mentioned in the post about yelling, when I yell I have stress, frustration, and anxiety. However, when good words flow from me, I am glad…interesting how that works.

“A soft answer turns away wrath; but a harsh word stirs up anger” Proverbs 15:1
Harsh words stir up anger not only toward my children but also my husband…all innocent bystanders of a woman who can’t rein it in and control her angry emotions. Poor Paul gets the brunt of it, and a lot of times he doesn’t even know it. It’s rantings in my head directed at him. Poor guy.
I wonder if Solomon was directing the “wrath” and “anger” at the person giving the “answer” and “word”.  It changes the proverb a bit, doesn’t it? Instead of a soft answer turning away someone else’s wrath, it turns away my own. Instead of hard words stirring up anger in someone else, they stir up anger in myself.

“It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.”
This needs no explanation.

“It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman.”
Hmmm…I really don’t want my house to be described as a “desert land”.

Why is my husband responding to me differently? I truly believe it is believe God is changing me from the inside out. I am not quite as anxious anymore. I speak kinder to the children and him. I am less quarrelsome and fretful. I readily admit that perfection has not been achieved, folks. Not even close. Just this past week…forget last week, today…I had a moment where I just completely broke down because one of the children would not put clothes on. I was in a hurry. We had places to go and people to see. And I couldn’t handle the frustration that came with my child wanting to play instead of change clothes. Sheesh! And because I did not control my feelings, anxiety came in and began to weigh me down. Harsh words began to raise their ugly heads.

So, is it going perfectly? Well, no. No it is not. However, sanctification is a process. A beautiful, hard,  some painful, joyful, send me to my knees process.
And I am learning that the side effects of that process are sweet beyond reason.

MacKenzie

Ok, so the title is slightly misleading.

A couple of days ago my friend, Sharon, called to let me know she and her husband, Vince, were sending us a package.

Today it arrived.

When we pulled out the box inside the shipping box, our eyes widened.

Paul: “No way!”
Me: “That’s not what is actually inside the box.”
Paul: “I bet it is.”
Me: “No, no it’s not. It’s probably the only box she could find.”

As Paul began to open up the box, I fully expected to see our favorite candy, a movie, maybe a book or two.

I was wrong.

And it pains me not at all to say that Paul was right.

Their gift rendered us speechless, and it also brought forth many tears. It was a huge thing for them to give us.

It got me to thinking today about who they are and what they have meant to us over the years.

You may have heard me talk about them or read about them on the blog. I talked about Vince and Sharon Rice a fair amount. Why wouldn’t I? They have shaped so much of how I think, what I do, and why I do it.

Vince and Sharon have taught me how to give generously. They themselves are generous to a fault, if that is possible. It is not something they do, but part of who they are. Our gift is but a small drop in the bucket of their generosity to others.

Vince and Sharon have taught me over the years how to move forward in my relationship with Jesus. Whether it is learning how to spend quiet, sweet time with Christ or stopping the busyness of my life to focus on what it important, they have helped me mature into a closer, more in love with Jesus disciple.

Vince and Sharon are disciples in every sense of the word. They are 100% in love with Jesus, and they follow Him with everything in them. That is contagious. They have multiplied their small group numerous times, and each of them is filled with people who have been influenced by how Vince and Sharon live daily for Christ. Their legacy is one that will live on far after they see Jesus’ face.

Vince and Sharon love people. They go around the world to help people, love people, take care of people, care for people, mourn with people, share hope with people. They do the same at home. They are the hands and feet to the world around them, to their sphere of influence. This is something they taught me. Who is in my sphere of influence and am I being Christ to them? It changed my way of thinking and how I live my life.

Vince and Sharon serve others. They give of their time, their money, their energy, their home…everything. A great example of this occurred when I was going through the deep darkness that was my morning sickness with Lily while living in Naples. My mom could not come over until the summer. Paul called Sharon and Vince to ask if Sharon could come over. She would have to pay for her own ticket. She would have to find someone to cover her responsibilities at church. She would have to travel alone. She came. She read the bible to me because it made the nausea worse if I read myself. She cooked for Paul. She cleaned the apartment. She held my hand. She served us, as did Vince by giving up time with his wife so she could be with us in during a really difficult time.

Vince and Sharon are humble. I imagine when they read this Sharon will shake her head and say something like, “We don’t deserve all those things to be said about us. We’re just being obedient.” I imagine her saying it because I have heard her say it. That’s the way they view everything they do. They are being obedient. It is nothing great about them, but Christ through them. They will tell you they struggle, sometimes with the same issues over and over. They are honest about their lives, never putting on “airs” or pretending that everything is ok. They are so very honest, and have taught me how to live an honest, authentic life.

We met Vince and Sharon at 121 Community Church in Fort Worth, Texas. They were our door greeters and wrote our names on a name tag. They later became our small group leaders. From there they became our friends, our mentors, our disciplers, our encouragers, our shoulders to lean on, our discipliners. All we did was walk through a door of a church one day.

What an unexpected surprise.

Thankful for friends who are family,
MacKenzie

I have never, ever liked fundraising. As a kid, instead of selling boxes of chocolate-covered almonds for my softball league I would put the box containing about one hundred boxes of candy on the table and my family would begin the process of devouring all one hundred boxes. My mom would just write a check to cover our love of chocolate-covered nuts and my dislike for selling them.

Needless to say, I never won the award for most boxes of chocolate sold.

And I was o.k. with that.

So when we began the process of fundraising to be a part of REVO, you could say I was less than excited about it. To be honest, Paul did 98% of the work.

And I was o.k. with that.

For the last three years we have raised support and I would like to share some of the realities of what that means for our family.

We are dependent on others having jobs, being generous with what they have, understanding what we are doing and why, and wanting to be a part of it.

Our groceries, bills, mortgage, gas for our lawnmower, clothes, toothpaste and toilet paper are all bought with money we receive from others. When people give we are able to have all those things, but when they don’t it means that something has to give. Our budget is constantly changing because our income is constantly changing, sometimes from month to month. Have you ever had to redo a budget every single month? Maybe you are a math person, like my friend Vince, and enjoy those types of things. I do not. I like it about as much as selling chocolate-covered almonds.

We have to make hard choices sometimes. This past week I accidentally bought dishwashing liquid instead of dishwasher detergent. While you might be able to run out and get the correct item, we washed dishes by hand until today when I would have another week’s grocery money. We aren’t able to save for retirement or for a vacation. When my friends or their children have birthdays I want so very badly to buy them a small something, but I know most likely I won’t be able to do so. Have you ever shown up to a party with no gift? Honestly, it can feel humiliating and embarrassing. We are so fortunate to have great friends who completely understand, never expecting anything and never making me feel bad about coming empty-handed.

As much as being self-supported can be a struggle, I would not do it another way. Don’t get me wrong I eagerly await the day when Paul can draw a salary, but until then I try to see all the blessings that being self-supported has brought and continues to bring.

We have seen, and continue to see, people being incredibly generous, and in many cases doing so sacrificially. Their generosity has enabled us to not only buy milk, diapers, and shoes but to give back to others. There have been times when we have received a random check in the mail and around the same time a need in a friend’s life would arise and we have been able to help meet that need.

We have seen people rally behind us, understanding the vision God has laid on our hearts and the hearts of the people who make up REVO.

We have become so very dependent on God, but isn’t this where He wants us? If we were able to meet all our financial needs ourselves then would never have come to know God as our provider in this way.  It is when we are weak that He is strong. It is when we come to Him with our fears of not knowing how ends will meet that He hears us and calms our fears.

I could tell you story after story of how He has provided, usually by using those who have supported us. We have come to rely on Him in a different way than before we started this journey. My faith is more steadfast now. My love deeper. My thankfulness has no end. All because He has shown me more of Himself and taught me how to trust beyond all human reason.

That is worth every struggle, every hard decision, every dime that has been fund raised over the past three years and every dime that will be fund raised in the future.

MacKenzie

I recently discovered something about myself that I really do not like. I yell. At my kids. Almost daily. And I don’t like it…not at all. When I yell at Gingernut and Lil’ Paul I immediately feel guilt, like I am the worst mom in the world and that I am failing my children. Sometimes I look at them and think, “How can I scream at someone who only a few years ago was so tiny the thought of screaming never entered my mind? How can I yell at someone I profess to love more than life?”

But it is SO HARD NOT TO YELL! Does anyone agree? Anyone? Anyone? Is this on…?

So how do I stop yelling at my two lovely children?

A few months ago I stumbled upon a website called The Orange Rhino. It is written by a mom of four boys, and as a mother of four boys doesn’t she have every reason to yell? She realized that she was yelling too much and took on the challenge of not yelling for 365 days. That’s an entire year folks. One whole year.

Her story is inspiring. Her story is encouraging. She gives great tips and alternatives to yelling as she  guides you on a journey to being a better mom to your kids. I haven’t been able to get through the entire website, but immediately upon reading a small portion I was convinced that something had to change. And by that something, I mean myself. One of the best pieces of advice my dad has given me is you can’t do anything about how others behave, but you can do something about how you behave. My children are going to throw fits. They are going to yell. They are going to sit in the floor, pouting until they get their way. But that doesn’t mean I have to.

I became tired of not just the yelling, but of what the yelling brings with it. I became discontented.

I am no longer content to yell at my kids, feeling tons of guilt and remorse, then apologizing only to repeat the same thing the next day.
I am no longer content to behave as badly as a four and a two year old.
I am no longer content to lash out in anger because I cannot deal with that emotion in a proper way.
I am no longer content to have feelings of being a bad mom to my kids.

Here’s why.

I don’t want the kids to be scared to tell me they spilled milk or didn’t make it to the bathroom in time for fear that I will yell, criticize, or degrade them. I want them to be able to come to me with the good, the bad, the ugly and know that when necessary they will be disciplined but above everything I love them, cherish them, and want the best for them.

I want them to learn how to handle their emotions. To learn that their is a better way than yelling and throwing a tantrum. And more times than not those ways will yield a better response from others.

I want to teach them how to be good parents.

I want them to learn how to use their words for good…to uplift, encourage, discipline not out of anger but love. I want them to know their words can cut like a knife or they can heal like a soothing balm.

But what I want most is for my children to love and seek the Lord and have an accurate picture of Him. Where are they going to learn to do or not do that? I want them to see Him living in me. I don’t want them to picture God as someone who professes to love them but then yells and degrades them. For me, this is the most powerful motivation to change.

So how am I doing with this? Wwweeelll…I will say that I am yelling less than I was three months ago. That’s something, right? Due to the decrease in yelling, my time with Gingernut and Lil’ Paul is more cherished. We have more fun, play more, and enjoy each other more. Their behavior is improving as well. Instead of asking or telling them over and over to do something I try to tell them one time. If they don’t respond I begin counting. If by three they have not responded then they go to time out. It’s saving me a lot of headaches and anger. I do still have moments of frustration and it takes everything in me to not yell. Hear me when I write….it takes everything in me.

As great as The Orange Rhino has been for me, the thing that has been the most beneficial is the amount of time I spend seeking the Lord. The more I am consumed with Him, the better I am able to show love, mercy, grace, and forgiveness. The more I look at Him, the better I am to see my children the way He does. Those little things that could so easily irritate become just little things, in some cases little things to laugh at. I am finding that I don’t want to yell. The desire is slowly fading away. Why? Because when I am consumed by Jesus, the “everything in me” that I wrote about above is Him doing a great work within my heart to make me more like Him.

What are your thoughts? Are you cool, calm, and in control all the time? If so, let me how you handle it all.