Where has this spiral left me? That’s a great question. After as much counseling as I could cram into three months and some anti-depressants, I think I am much better. My goal when I started counseling was to feel “normal”, like myself, and I think I have gotten there. I have tools to cope with the anger and stress and sadness that I didn’t have before. I can better recognize the signs that say “BEWARE – CLIFF AHEAD BACK UP”. Because that’s what it always felt like…as if everyday I was at the edge of a cliff and I would fall off. But I was lifted up, given things to help me see the cliff ahead, and can now back up when I near the edge.
It doesn’t always happen that way though. Honestly, there are some hard days. Days when I get it completely wrong, days when I feel like crawling into a hole, days when I beat myself up for something I did or said.
But overall, things are much better and “normalcy” has ensued.
There is something that I wanted to mention that I forgot in previous posts. It concerns medication. Yes, I took a low-dose anti-depressant for a while. Maybe I should still be on it, who knows, considering I weened myself off without the permission of a licensed counselor or physician. This is not recommended, but I like to be in control of things. It’s something that is a work in progress.
I had a hard time at first taking the medicine. It seemed to me that taking the medicine meant I was weak. What it really meant was that I was so depressed I could not get out of the darkness on my own with a flashlight, Indiana Jones style torch, lantern, and flood light. The medicine helped me want to do the things I normally did but during this time just couldn’t make myself do on a good day.
I write all this because at one point in my life I judged those who took medicine for depression. I truly thought it meant they were weak and, shamefully, that I was a stronger person than they because when would I ever need to take medicine because I was sad? (Please hear the irony and sarcasm in that sentence) One thing I have learned during all of this is to not judge others concerning experiences I have never had…it’s good not to judge people in general though, isn’t it? I think that’s written somewhere….I never thought I would find myself severely depressed, but there I was depressed, on medication, and not seeing an end to it. The counseling along with the medication helped me see an end to my “crazy”.
As I wrap it up, I’d like to say thank you to Paul. He has been a rock. He has listened and done what he could to help me. I greatly appreciate his patience and love and forgiveness. Because he caught the brunt of it all.
So thanks for going down this road with me. My hope is that is was helpful, insightful, or meaningful in some way.